My friends and family will tell you that I am quite the slob. But in this year of self-improvement, can I make a change for the better?

Spring is here, so I have FINALLY mustered up enough energy to start cleaning. My two main areas of focus are my bedroom and my office. I started with my bedroom because I feel that, if I start the day in a tidy environment, that positive energy will carry me at least a little into the day so I can work on other areas.

You may or may not know that I live in my childhood home in the bedroom that has been mine since I was 15. You may also know that I live with my mother, brother, and aunt (and 4 kitties). I could go into all of this in a later post, but suffice it to say, this is obviously not an ideal living arrangement for a woman in her 30s. The issue we’ll deal with today is as follows:

While cleaning, I’ve been having intensely nostalgic feelings. I’ve been getting rid of childhood toys, teenage posters, and early adult cosmetics. But it’s more than all of that. I obviously know that we all have feelings of what-could-have-beens and if-I-could-go-backs, but lately it’s been so extreme. I fantasize about very specific changes I would make. Specific places I would or wouldn’t go. Specific people I would or wouldn’t meet. Specific changes to my personal timeline. (From what I have been told, this is due to Venus retrograde, but I don’t really understand any of that.)

As I continue to purge, I am awarded the opportunity to contemplate my life choices. For example, I wish I hadn’t gone to college. I feel it was a waste of money for a degree I never finished and have virtually no desire to do so (sorry, Mom). That money could have been saved and used to start my business a decade sooner. But what about my friendships? Sure, I rarely if ever speak to my college friends these days, but those relationships transformed me to an unknown extent, and I like to think that I may have done the same for them. And what business was there to speak of back then? How could I have started something in 2003 when I didn’t even get the idea until 2010?

I’ve regretted jobs, relationships, purchases, you name it. I’ve regretted never learning to drive. I’ve regretted having to work a job I hated instead of going to my best friend’s wedding.  I’ve regretted not being there when my grandmother died.

And it goes the other way, too. We all have that person in our lives that wasn’t there for us. We cut the ties, but every once in a while they pop back up again, like a floating turd. Sorry for that image, but you know what I mean. You hear some news about them, you stalk their social media to verify. I did this once this past month for over an old friend who broke my heart. She used to be so carefree, though looking back, she was always judgemental. Then she found Jesus. (And before you say anything, I have no problem with religion whatsoever. I have a problem with bigoted zealots telling other people they’re bad for being different.) I wished that I could go back to save her.

Then I stopped.

Because what’s the point? I can’t go back. I. CAN’T. GO. BACK. I’ve got now and everything subsequent to that. That’s it. All the past can give me is lessons that relate to the future. No fixes. No do-overs. It’s gone. Take that garbage to the curb. You don’t need it anymore.

If you’ve been read my new year’s resolutions and subsequent progress reports, you’ll know I’m all about improvement this year (honestly, who isn’t? Who makes a new year’s resolution and says, “I resolve to keep doing more of the same”? Unless you’ve actually mastered your destiny, that’s not a resolution; that’s daily life). I think this is an issue we all suffer with to some degree.

So that’s it. At this point, I would say that I’m about 90-95% finished with my bedroom, and 5-10% finished with my office. I still have a lot of stuff I want to get rid of but that’s going to take time. The only picture I have so far is the cover photo. I always wish after I’ve cleaned that I had a before picture for comparison but I CAN’T GO BACK. I don’t know if I had mentioned that or not.

Look forward, guys. It sure as hell beats living in the past.

~M