This post doesn’t have any particular direction because I feel like I don’t have any particular direction at the moment. I just have been feeling a certain way lately, and I felt it was time to talk about it.
I have depression. I think that if you follow me on Instagram you may have seen one or two posts about it in the past. Lately, perhaps the last month or so, I’ve been struggling with it more than usual. I think a lot of it has to do with back pain I’ve been dealing with for the past few months, along with the fact that I’ve just generally fallen off of my healthy resolutions because of it. Being depressed just compounds the offense because I comfort eat when I’m depressed, and you know it ain’t fruits and vegetables giving me comfort.
Since deciding to end my physical therapy last month, I’ve been slowly dragging myself back to that joy I felt at the beginning of the year. The process is slow and rocky. I want to feel that self-love again, and I feel I’m getting there. I’ve returned to social media and I’m flirting with diet and exercise. When you live with three other extremely unhealthy people, it’s difficult but not impossible to stay focused.
I guess what I wanted to say was that I should still be loving myself in these dark times, but I don’t. I try to escape myself by means of sleep, food, distraction. I can’t bring myself to give myself a good ol’ talkin’ to. I even stopped journaling, which I was actually enjoying and doing consistently for the first time in my life.
But as I always say (it seems to be my life motto now), I am trying. I’m doing better. I’m getting there. I’m not giving up. I’m slow, but I’m as steady as I can be. And that’s all I can be.
I really am feeling better now. As I said, I’m not where I want to be, and not even where I was, but I’m better. I’ve started journaling and exercising again. I’m working more on my business, which I’ve kind of let rot for the past couple of months. I hope to get back on track with that soon.
That’s it, really. Nothing exciting, no goals met. No progress apart from my steps forward after my depression had me galloping backwards. I hope that, though this hasn’t been a particularly happy post, it’s at least a positive, hopeful one. Because that’s how I feel.
Image artist unknown.