If you’ve been reading my previous rambles, you’ll recognize a distinct depressive tone to them. This one is no exception. You have been warned.
Yes, as I’ve said in previous posts, I am depressed. I’m working on my happiness every day. Some days I feel amazing and proud of my success. Most days I barely get out of bed. Certainly this ratio was opposite earlier this year, even just a couple of months ago, but within the past month or so I have had something come up in my personal life that I don’t wish to go into (yet– perhaps one day) that is forcing me to have a really bad sleep schedule. I honestly believe that I can deal with a lot of setbacks in life (as long as I can complain loudly!), but I have to have sleep and lots of it. I don’t think I’ve had 8 hours in one 24 hour period in well over a month. I don’t need many things in life, but that is DEFINITELY one of them.
And I’m not going to lie and say that the news of the world doesn’t affect me. A mixture of fear, despair, and helplessness is never far away from my mind. But frankly, it’s too much for me to talk about without sinking into tears, so let’s just leave it there, shall we?
So let’s break the problem down: I have this situation that is making me (more) depressed. The way to fix it is to accomplish my goals by the end of the year. To do that, I need to snap out of it and get stuff done. To do that, I really really REALLY could use a good night’s sleep. But I can’t sleep because of my current situation. See where I’m going with this?
I’m not writing this sob story for sympathy. I’m trying to illustrate what it’s like in my mind. The average person would say to him- or herself, “SUCK IT UP, PRINCESS! GET TO WORK!” I try, but I can’t. This stuff spins around in my mind like a possessed carousel, faster and faster so I don’t know when and where to just jump on already, with storm clouds of current events looming, flashing lightning and thunder’s disgruntled rumbling, telling me everything is terrible and to go back to bed and not even bother trying. That’s what it’s like in this ol’ noggin here. That’s why depression sucks.
So what do I do? I just keep trying. Keep moving, even if it’s microscopic progress. I have two festivals coming up in September (my first work of the year!), and I’ll give you more details later on. I still haven’t taken my products to any shops (surprised?), but I’m working on it. Actually, that’s a total lie. I haven’t worked on anything business-related in months. But I can feel this inexplicable shift in myself. I guess I’ve been working on me.
I’m lucky enough to be able to spend a few days this coming week at the beach, so hopefully that will me reset and start working on projects once again. It’s definitely not too late to make all of goals for the year. It’s never to late to jump on.
3 thoughts on “A Carousel of Fear”